In my mid-20s, I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Life was hell for many years prior because I had no idea what was wrong with me. All I knew is that I’d cancel on my friends last minute, fear I wouldn’t be able to get out the door to work, and at worst, lay on the floor crying out for help in an entirely empty apartment. (My turtle was there—he’s the real MVP.)
It was my sister who tipped me off to the idea that I was experiencing anxiety. She told me to get to a doctor, so I went to a primary care physician. That didn’t help much.
I’m not sure if it was months or years after that, but it got to a point that I couldn’t leave my apartment. I thought my life was over. I only had my family to call, and they were all halfway across the country.
There’s some messy details I don’t care to mention; what matters is that my father, alongside his wife, flew out to San Antonio to get me back on my feet—literally. And I can’t recall who told me exactly—I believe it was my mom—but someone suggested I call a friend to come over and at least get me through the evening.
Definitely didn’t want to do that. What I was experiencing was very personal, and quite nonsensical for anyone who’d not been exposed to anxiety or OCD. But I fought my hesitation and called a colleague I had at the time—he came over, and whether he knows it or not, I’m not sure I would’ve gotten through that night without him.
He assured me I was okay, that he’d never noticed anything unusual about me despite the “demons” in my head telling me otherwise.
Fast-forward to my dad’s arrival. Since I was basically incapacitated, he and his wife had to do some deep digging to find me a good psychiatrist. Pretty much all the in-network doctors had a wait list at least six weeks long.
So we ended up going out of network, and I’m glad we did. The doctor listened to my story, diagnosed me as quickly as I’d fallen, and recommended a counselor to help me through what would be the beginning of a long path to recovery.
I went to two or three different counselors before finding Martha. When I walked into her office, she didn’t ask me any questions or tell me to lie down on a long leather couch.
Instead, she simply told me to have a seat and close my eyes.
I’d like you to inhale very slowly through your nose. Inhale as much air as possible; fill up your lungs to capacity.
Once you can’t take in any more air, hold your breath for a moment, and release the air naturally through your mouth.
That’s it—slowly inhale through your nose, exhale out your mouth.
Now, I want you to continue breathing, but do your best to relax your toes when you exhale. Simply release all the tension you feel in your toes.
Good. Now, release that tension in your feet, your ankles.
Keep breathing. Focus on your breathing.
That’s it. Now relax your legs. Use your mind’s eye to search up and down your legs—find any tension there, and let it go.
Tense up your muscles and release them if it helps.
Now focus on your bottom. Relax all the muscles there.
I want your entire body from the waste down to be completely relaxed. No tension. Just let it all go. Relax.
Inhale slowly through your nose, exhale out your mouth.
Let’s move to your abdomen. Do you feel any tension there? Let it go each time you exhale. Every exhalation will allow you to let go of that tension you feel. Take as much time as you need.
Move to your arms, your shoulders, your fingers, your hands. Breathe in, hold it for a moment, then exhale. Relax all your upper limbs when you exhale. Again, take your time. Make sure you're relaxing every finger, every muscle, every joint.
Relax your neck. Stay focused on your breath.
Feel the muscles in your cheeks, your forehead. Let the tension go.
Allow your entire body to simply exist with ease.
Now, just breathe for a few minutes in silence.
Good. Now, I want you to imagine a bright light surrounding you, absorbing you. Every time you breathe in, you’re breathing in the power of that light.
Let the light fill you up completely.
When you breathe out, imagine all those negative thoughts you’ve had—all those negative feelings you've felt—leaving your body. Picture the negativity as a black smoke exiting your body as you exhale.
Let it travel far, far away.
Breathe in the light. Breathe out the darkness.
Do this for as long as you’d like. When you’re ready, open your eyes.
I was in tears. All of the pain and hurt I’d been carrying for eight years was gone. Just...gone.
I’ll never forget one of the last things she said after that first experience of meditation: You can access that positive energy ANY time you'd like.
And I still do.
There is always peace in us. It’s literally there for the taking; we simply need to know and practice the methods to retrieve it.
I know you’re going through a lot right now. Life isn’t easy. There’s so much on our plates, and our minds never seem to put anything to rest.
But I promise you this—you can access that positive energy any time you'd like.
Just practice what Martha showed me all those years ago.
May you have a wonderful Fourth.
